Forgiveness Retreats Blog

“We Don’t Need To Spike The Football.” “We Don’t Need To Dance On His Grave.” “Osama bin Laden is not a trophy.” These are all things I’ve read this week that reflect the belief of Jews, Christians, Muslims and others that God is a God of justice and mercy. Osama bin Laden killed innocent human beings, both Muslims and Christians. He directed mass murder and fomented hated around the world. He used religious extremism for demonic purposes. In justice he should be stopped but mercy tempers justice.

We can be relieved that someone who taught hate, used terror and called murder a virtue is no longer among the living. We also remember, in this Easter season, we have Teacher who modeled, “love your enemies, pray for your persecutors.” We love our enemy by praying for them. When we do this we keep relationships in their right order. We acknowledge that God is the one who is ultimately responsible to judge each individual and we maintain our own humanity by not stripping away the humanity of our enemy.

In Northern Ireland I met the extraordinary Corrymeela community,  a group of Christians who have created a safe place for difficult conversations. They seek to build communities of hospitality rather than rivalry among Protestant Royalists and Catholic Nationalists. Let me introduce you to three of them.

Colleen Brown talked to us about the spiritual impact of trauma. Trauma, such as a bomb explosion in your neighborhood, shatters your “presumptive world.” The traumatized person doesn’t trust what she trusted before. The traumatized person asks, “where is God?” She is suddenly up in the air. Colleen told about her experience of faith communities supporting trauma victims on their journey of healing. The most important thing to do is listen, understand and don’t judge.

We also met Alastair Kilgore, who drove us around Northern Ireland in the Corrymeela motor coach and taught us great lessons along the way. He said in any conflict the original wound is disrespect. When young men feel that some value they hold sacred has been disrespected then they strike back with beatings and bombs. For healing to start both sides have to hear and acknowledge the values of the other. Alistair said that Corremeela, a six acre retreat on the Irish sea, was founded as a place where individuals on both sides of the conflict could tell their story and be heard by the other side.

Paul Hutchinson, the director of Correymeela, described how an escalating cycle of vengeance grows; individuals or groups strike back blow for blow, death for death and this goes on for generations until one side does something unexpected. When someone makes a non-violent, surprising, gracious gesture toward their enemy then the conflict is caught up short and enemies re-examine each other with new eyes. He told us a story of how a cup of tea between an IRA foot soldier and a British policeman helped to avert a riot. The two met at Corrymeela, had a conversation and weeks later, in the midst of a street conflict, the two were able to negotiate a stand down between the police and the Nationalists who were ready to riot.

He also gave me an aphorism I’ll remember, “Don’t forgive and forget, remember and change.”

I had the privilege to go on the Pilgrimage of Reconciliation which started in Belfast Northern Ireland and concluded in Taize, France. It would take a book to compile the wealth of information and experiences. The next few postings will introduce you to some of the heroes and highpoints from the trip. The great insight I picked up is that in conflict the original sin is disrespect and redemption comes through rebuilding trust.

In the little town of Portglenone in Northern Ireland we met Fr. Oliver Crilley, a Catholic priest with a PhD. He told us his story of building trust over the course of the Troubles. In 1981 he had less than zero trust in the British Government.  This is when he regularly visited parishioners who were jailed members of the Irish Republican Army.

He said when he went into the prison you could cut the aggression with a bayonet. The British guards treated him with hostility and treated their prisoners with profound disrespect . The prisoners, in protest of the treatment they received, went on a hunger strike. Fr. Crilley became a negotiator between the British Government and the hunger strikers. Eventually, an official of the government of Margaret Thatcher, the Conservative Prime Minister, promised to come and visit. Fr. Crilley told the prisoners they would get a chance to be heard by someone in authority. They waited. The minister delayed and never showed up. Margaret Thatcher had pulled the plug on the visit. Twelve men died before the hunger strike ended.

In 1990 Fr. Crilley served on the Irish Commission for Justice and Peace. Also on the Commission were Protestant as well as Catholic clergyman. They had the task of writing a report on conditions in the Northern Ireland prisons. Before his access to prisoners was limited, now he had free access. When he came in with his Protestant colleagues he was treated with greater respect by the guards and prison officials. The head of prisons was an honest man and direct speaker. He admitted that he had officers in the past who should not have been working in the prisons. The Commission and the prison head worked together with honest and respect. For Fr. Crilley, trust was being rebuilt.

In 1996 the British government wanted to end the fighting in Northern Ireland. Fr. Crilley was asked to serve on a committee along with a Protestant minister and a government officials to talk with both Unionists (Protestants) and Nationalists (Catholics) about the demonstrations and counter-protests that marked daily life in Northern Ireland. As the three worked together they modeled respect and trust for each other. They inspired the men they talked to be open and honest. This was the highpoint of trust for Fr. Crilley.

We talked with him on June 16^th, the day after the British Government issued the Saville report, which held the British Army accountable for the murder of 14 Catholic protest marchers killed on Bloody Sunday in 1972. He said this was a moment of restitution for the horrible treatment he saw in the prisons. He said the honest admission by the British government of the wrongdoing of their army was necessary for peace to move forward in Northern Ireland.

Jim Joyce could learn something from Armando Galarraga.

Armando Galarraga, the young pitcher for the Detroit Tigers was robbed by Jim Joyce, a veteran umpire, of a perfect game when Joyce blew a call at first base.  It was the ninth inning of a game between the Tigers and Cleveland Indians on June 2^nd.  Galarraga had gotten out 26 batters in a row. No hits. No walks. No errors. Jason Donald came to the plate and hit a grounder to Miguel Cabrera, who snagged the ball, took a split second to line up his throw to Galarraga who was covering first. Bam, the ball hit Galaraga’s glove. Slap, Donald’s foot hit the bag. Arms out, palms flat, “Safe!” called Joyce. The blown call loud enough to be heard down through baseball history.

Everyone from Jim Leyland, the Detroit manager, to the fans in the upper deck knew Jim Joyce made a mistake.  In that direct communication that characterizes baseball, they let Joyce know it.

Joyce went to the umpires room, reviewed the video of the play, and knew they were right. Imagine every organ and muscle of your body from the neck down being replace by a heavy, dark acid and your brain screaming.  That’s how Jim Joyce acted. He hugged his arms tight to his chest, paced back and forth and berated himself. A long, repetitive monologue of shame.

Jim Leyland heard about Joyce’s remorse and went to see him to offer condolences for Joyce’s obvious grief.  Joyce went to see Galarraga in the clubhouse to apologize and Galarraga said, “anybody can make a mistake.”

At the game the next day Joyce was the ump behind home plate. Manager Leyland sent Galarraga to the plate before the game to hand Joyce the Tiger’s line up card. The men shook hands.

After the game.  Galarraga said, “There’s no doubt he feels bad and terrible. I have a lot of respect for the man. It takes a lot to say you’re sorry and to say in interviews he made a mistake.”

Joyce had the humility to admit his mistake and apologize. Galarraga and Leyland had the compassion to forgive him publicly. Now, Joyce can learn from them, can learn how to forgive himself.

This is the hardest thing for many people to do, forgive themselves. If we can forgive others for their mistakes, if other people can forgive us for our mistakes, then we can learn to show the same compassion for ourselves and forgive our mistakes.

John Adams said that grief sharpens understanding and softens the heart. This is true when grief is used well. When grief is avoided it can rupture relationships. Some people avoid grief by turning its pain into something else. They get angry and start a fight. They get drunk. They tell bad jokes. All of which sounds like a traditional Irish wake!

When I’m helping people prepare for a funeral I have one piece of advice, “Forgive everything.” Grief makes people do crazy things. Members of the family or friends may act out their grief in crazy ways so, it’s best to give grieving people a lot of slack.

Funerals are times when old hurts can come back unchecked. Perhaps the deceased was the moderating force in some family feud and now, with no referee, the old resentment erupts.  Many people come to one of my retreats or parish missions because their families are broken after the death of a parent.

Grief turned to anger may manifest as a fight over some detail of the funeral or a quarrel over the inheritance. No matter what the dispute, what happens spirituality is hardheartedness pushes out compassion. Grief has wrapped itself in the armor of anger as protection against feeling the loss of the loved one.

Forgiveness is the process of inviting compassion back into the situation. To get to compassion, first the protecting coat of anger has to be recognized for what it is. It helps to name the anger for what it is, grief gone wild.

Then the anger has to be dispersed by empathy, that is, some sort of heart to heart connection, some sort of understanding that the other person is a hurting human being too. Once compassion is in place then the gift of forgiveness can be offered.

Confession (a.k.a. the Sacrament of Reconciliation) is how Catholics heal their relationship with God when it’s broken.   I think it’s a good model of what has to happen to heal the current brokenness in the Catholic Church.   Confession can heal the Church.

Here are the steps that constitute the Sacrament of Reconciliation. They lay out what needs to be done by a transgressor seeking reconciliation with the person who’s been hurt.

1. 1. Examination of Conscience
2. 2. Firm Purpose of Amendment
3. 3. Confession
4. 4. Act of Contrition
5. 5. Penance
6. 6. Absolution
7. 7. Go In Peace

Let’s look at how this would work in the current situation between erring church leaders and the disillusioned, disappointed, and disgusted faithful.

1.  Examination of Conscience

Erring church leaders need to take responsibility for what they did wrong — such as reassigning priests who abused innocent children.   Church leaders need to admit the hurt they’ve caused others.   They need to reexamine their core values, which would put them in touch with a sense of remorse.

2.  Firm Purpose of Amendment

Remorse would impel them to resolve to be better than they’ve been, resolve to never do the harm again. They need to embrace the willingness to change, to be better than they have been; that is, to go through a spiritual conversion.

3.  Confession

Transgressors need to be transparent and tell the truth.  That means saying out loud what they did wrong.   They need to be public, be candid, and be clear.   As we’ve seen, if they don’t tell their own story, then other people are going to tell it for them. And for reconciliation, they must confess their own sins.  A public confession must include taking  responsibility for doing the harm.

Frankly, this may be the hardest part, not only because none of us likes to openly admit when we’re wrong, but also because legal counsel often advises against it.   But the Sacrament of Reconciliation is worth nothing if you don’t tell the truth.

4. Act of Contrition

To get to reconciliation, the wrongdoers need to express contrition.   They must apologize – not just saying they’re sorry, but expressing their remorse openly.   Having had a true spiritual conversion, the transgressor’s  act of contrition flows from his compassion for those who’ve been hurt.    The victims need to have their pain acknowledged, to know the person who hurt them doesn’t want the harm to ever happen again.  The sinner prays to God for the wisdom and resolve to never again make the same mistake.

5.  Penance
In the Sacrament of Reconciliation, people say a prayer as a way of apologizing to God

and asking for help.   When we have harmed another person and want to atone for our sins, we offer to make restitution.   In the case of church leaders, that means being willing to listen to people’s hurt.   It means actually talking with victims and hearing their pain. The church not only must offer to pay for counseling, but also work to see that justice is done from here on out.  People need to know that safeguards are in place, so the same trauma won’t be visited on others.

6.  Absolution

When all these steps have been accomplished, then people can have a sense that justice has been served, that a wrong as been made right.   When that sense of justice has been restored, then people can offer forgiveness and the Church can start to heal.

7.  Go In Peace.

Going in peace means there is atonement.   Reconciliation means the parties in conflict have been brought to a mutual understanding and agree to respect each other and want the best for each other.  A broken relationship is on the mend.

What if these steps in the Sacrament of Reconciliation are not taken?   What if there is no examination of conscience, no firm purpose of amendment, no confession, no act of contrition, no penance?    Well, then nothing will change.   The behavior won’t change, the sin will go on, and the harm will continue to be perpetrated.    And if that happens, then there’s no way there can be forgiveness.

It’s true that I, as an individual, can forgive you for some offense, whether you apologize to me or not.  I forgive you in order to free myself from feelings of resentment.   I do it for myself, not for the sake of reconciliation.   But the rupture in the Church is a far different situation from some personal conflict between you and me.

In order for the Catholic Church to move beyond this terrible crisis, there must be true reconciliation.   In order for the Church to continue with any sort of moral authority in the world, it has to set the example by taking the steps for true reconciliation.

I know different bishops in different places at different times have already done some of what I’ve outlined here.  Safeguards have been put into place, so abuse is becoming more rare.   But not nearly enough has been done.

We need to see a genuine contrition and confession of wrongdoing.   We need to see penance done.    Catholics are a people of ritual and symbol.   And the world wants to see some big gestures.   Catholics and the rest of the world want and need to see an authentic conversion.

Only then can absolution can be given.  Only then can we come to some peace.

“Guilt is a legal term. The feeling of guilt is a sign of our estrangement from God.” This is a line of dialog from “Race” David Mamet’s current play on Broadway. This is the story of three lawyers: two African-American and one Anglo-American who take on the case of a wealthy white man accused of raping a black woman. The Anglo lawyer, played by James Spader, explains to his young, African-American associate, played by the brilliant Kerry Washington, his view that we are all guilty.

The play is a cynical look at both race relations and justice. It makes the point that all black people hate all white people. It further makes the case, in Mamet’s recognizable, rapid fire dialog, that the courts are not about getting at the truth. The justice system is about telling the most entertaining story in order to win over the audience in the theater of the court. I prefer the point of view of Martin Luther King. In the film, Rev. Joseph Lowery, reminds us of one of Dr. King’s guiding principles. “We either learn to live together as brothers and sisters or we perish together as fools.” He makes the positive case for racial reconciliation. I prefer Desmond Tutu’s view of justice. He argues for restorative justice, justice that seeks to bind together a broken community rather than, retributive justice which seeks to punish an offender.

Later in the play, this white lawyer gets to look at his own guilt. He makes an offensive suggestion to his associate. At the time, he doesn’t realize the rage it sparks in her. Later, when she confronts him, he apologizes to her and asks for her forgiveness. She hesitates, she’s not sure if she can trust him but ultimately she forgives him because his guilt is real; he realizes the offense, he knows the hurt he caused and his apology is sincere.

One of the principles I take away from the movie “The Big Question: A Film About Forgiveness” is, just as God is a God of both mercy and compassion, so, justice and forgiveness are both necessary and each has their own domain.

The job of justice is to right wrongs.

The job of forgiveness is to heal hurts.

Some of the worst pain I encounter at forgiveness retreats comes from women whose husbands have cheated on them but the husband refuses to take responsibility for what he’s done; he is emotionally obtuse. The husband either denies the infidelity or says that it isn’t that big a deal and she should just get over it. The wife is frustrated and angry because her feelings of betrayal are dismissed.

That’s not the case with Tiger Woods. His public apology follows T’shuva, the Jewish model of restoring a broken relationship, which for me, is the gold standard for reconciliation. T’shuva has 8 steps, each of which starts with an “R” word. Tiger Woods touched every step in his speech: regret, remorse, repent, resolve, right thing, restitution, rehabilitation.

He said that he regrets what he did and expressed his remorse, and acknowledges the pain he’s caused and the damage he’s done; “I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior…”  He’s shown his repentance by his 45 days in rehab; he’s resolved to not engage in the behavior again; he did the right thing and apologized not only to his wife but to the extended circles of family, associates, fans, people who looked up to him.

He showed that he knows he needs to make restitution when he said, “my real apology to her (his wife, Elin,) will not come in the form of words. It will come from my behavior over time.” He touched the rehabilitation step by going back to a rehab program. There he can learn coping skills, which coupled with his reawakened Buddhist faith, will empower him to change his behavior. Once he climbs all those steps then he has a chance to restore his relationship with his wife and rejoin the community.

He acknowledges that what he did was wrong, that he’s responsible for unacceptable behavior and he has deeply harmed others. He has shown that he is not an emotionally obtuse spouse, he has taken responsibility for his behavior.

Many of the hurts people do to each other are irrational. In the film, The Big Question, Dr. Everett Worthington’s mother is murdered by a man who is crazy. Husbands and wives cheat on each other but can’t explain why. People do harmful practical jokes that go wrong and someone’s life is horribly altered, for no good reason. In the end, much of the damage we do to each other is irrational. If it is necessary to have some sort of understanding or empathy for the person who hurt us in order to forgive, then we may have to say, at the end of the day, “she’s just crazy” or “he’s just nuts.” The closest we can get to empathy for the offender is to pity their insanity.

The Jewish tradition, the tradition of a God who is faithful to the Covenant, no matter how badly his people act, has worked out a process for restoring a broken relationship. The process is called Teshuva (CHEW va).

• 1. Regret. Have regret for what you have done wrong.
  2. Remorse. Express your remorse to the person you have wronged.
  3. Repent. Decide not to do the hurtful behavior anymore.
  4. Resolve. Express your resolve to the person you have harmed.
  5. Right thing. Do the right thing and apologize, ask for forgiveness.
  6. Restitution. Compensate the person for the wrong as best you can.
  7. Rehabilitation. Change your behavior.
  8. Restoration of relationship. If the person forgives you and chooses to reconcile.